Depression and Rage: When Anger Masks Childhood Trauma

It was so healing for me to see that there is a difference between someone who uses anger to manipulate and control, and someone who experiences it because of childhood trauma. I thought for most of my life that I was the former, and a monster, but I am definitely the latter, a broken person who doesn’t know how to regulate themselves. I’m gonna do what I can to heal and get this under control.

Does it piss anyone else off that the things that are done to you as a child become your problem as an adult? "Hey, we neglected and abused you, so fix it or you're out."

To this day I dont have a memory of my parents giving me emotional support, i do remember my mom always telling me i was cold and non loving. I suspect i got it from them…. Hard to change at 32 years old but i am trying for my daughter.

Hygiene neglect can make a child a target for some of the most severe modalities of bullying Social trauma is almost guaranteed to follow it

I think educational neglect can include a parent finding out the child tests well and is “smart,” so they put pressure on the child with their expectations but don’t do anything to help or teach them. I was a kid who was super solitary and quiet, but I did well in school and was put in special programs. But I have no memories of anyone teaching me how to study, how to do anything, really. I was left to figure things out for myself, which I guess gave me that skill, but when I didn’t understand something in school (like taking algebra over and over because certain things didn’t click), I wasn’t able to ask for help because I didn’t think I was ALLOWED to. When my therapist asked me how problems were handled in my family, like if I had a problem and went to my parents for help… I was like “wait…what? I don’t know what that means.” That was when I realized I had missed out on a LOT of parenting.

The coolest thing just happened to me while listening to the video. Context: I was at my mom's house. She was nitpicking at me again. I was so fed up with it. I thought to myself " just breathe like you do to go to sleep at night. Big breath in 1,2,3,4,5. breathe out slowly. Keep breathing til you are calm. Wait for it it will come. Sure enough. Did not speak nasty back to my mom. She is 79. I am 61. I felt so in control at that moment. And each time I did this, cause she nit picks all the time. And you spoke about doing just this. I am so proud I thought of it. Used it and got it right. Thank you for this video. I needed to see I did the correct thing.

My mom killed herself when I was 7 and I was raised by my abusive father who has narcissistic personality disorder and was a Vietnam vet and drill sergeant in the Army. Also we lived out in the country, so I had no friends and was completely isolated. I've lost a few jobs because I couldn't control my rage after awhile and would be like the incredible Hulk on PCP. It took me over 30 years to get control of my emotions and relax after I went no contact with my dad because he's still a complete asshole. It's just a miracle I didn't turn into a serial killer considering my childhood lol.

Glad you are validating depression and anger. I was never allowed to be angry as a child and if I expressed anger, I was punished. I'm ashamed to admit to episodes of rage towards electronics. It's expensive. I destroyed a personal laptop beyond repair and had to buy a new one. Although I've wanted to throw my laptop many times at work out of unrelieved frustration, I signed a form acknowledging that the laptop is the property of my employer and I am responsible to pay to replace it. That and the embarrassment. So I walk away, go splash cold water in my face, eat a snack (being hangry is a trigger), or go for a walk. My new therapist is doing EMDR and IFS, aka parts therapy, with me. I'm learning to give myself permission to feel angry and identify what need is not being met. Making progress.

My husband goes from 0 to 100 in an instant, from our kids being kids to me asking him for help. He storms around the house, slamming doors and screaming, then shuts himself in the basement. Moments later, it’s as if he never had a meltdown. And if I bring it up, to help him reflect, the episode just starts all over. He won’t go to therapy, so his anger has killed our marriage. I know he’s very shame-based, and his anger stems from having emotional unavailable parents. He’s still hoping they’ll magically turn into available parents, so he neglects me and the kids and runs to them when they make a demand.

My sister recently came to live with me and my wife because she left a toxic relationship. It’s been so odd because we have spent hours and hours talking about our childhood, what it was like to have parents like ours, and the neglect of having 7 children in the household. (My parents were Mormons and it was what they were told to do). But explosive anger seems to come up a lot in our conversations and this video helps explain some of it. So a sincere thank you for providing some insight.

I feel so sad when I think about this. I personally have been neglected emotionally. And it really snowballs into the present.

My extremely abusive mother caused me to experience such anger that from an early age I was firmly convinced that I would kill someone in a fit of rage. I ran away to the Marines at 17 and did 3 tours overseas. But I was still forced to work as a bar bouncer whenever I was stateside so I could hit people and not go to jail. Took until I was 33 before I could finally let go of that anger and actually live.

I remember watching a video on another website. Where a kid jumped a student in class. Nobody intervened, and the victim just suddenly screamed. "I'm done. I hate this place." That's what gets to me the most.... When someone genuinely goes through abuse. And it's just dismissed as "anger issues." The kid who jumped him has anger issues. Not him. But if nobody believes the victim: That's how we have this connection of Irritability and PTSD. Especially if it was on a chronic basis. The whole saying of "Hate just creates more Hate."

Yesterday, I felt rage about my childhood wounds. I felt deep sadness and sorry for myself. I don't know who to blame. How I grew up with emotional neglect influenced low self-esteem, low self-image, low social skills, and low emotional intimacy. My mother has generational trauma, and I know how she was raised is a reflection of how I was raised with a lack of love and nurturing, I don't want to blame and shame myself anymore, because that won't make things better, it will only make my self-image worse . I'm lonely going through my life's journey, trying to understand and make sense of everything, but it's overwhelming me. Since there was no one to guide me, I just hoped for it myself.

I was emotionally neglected as a kid and my parents are my bosses so I've been having rage episodes for the last 2-3 days, Dr. Tracey Marks somehow always knows what video I need, seriously 😅😅

I'm bipolar and grew up in a family of 5 kids. My Mother suffered from depression and did not like to be held of to hold us. My father raised the boys as if we were his property. He didn't say he loved us and he never gave hugs. Lots and lots of anger. When I was working, I would have to put so much effort in preparing myself for negative comments. If someone caught me off guard, my anger would come out. My father just recently passed on at 92. I didn't go to funeral, because I wanted a new start with him on my terms. :) I pray for those of you who suffered as a child. Thank you Dr. Marks for helping so many with your videos. God Bless You.

My anger gets so bad I physically hurt, and worse I blackout from it at times. I did years of therapy to get some control. Thanks for the video it has answered some of my questions about my childhood experiences.

My mom has BPD was severely physically+verbally abusive, I literally feel like I was raised by a sadistic child. This rage feels like the pits of hell are bottled up in your stomach and chest with nowhere to go except consume you… you may lose a lot of friends, relationships, and family by dealing with such uncontrollable rage. Take time and find healthy hobbies like gardening, pottery, painting, and especially journaling! These have all really helped me. I’m so sorry that anyone else has had to deal with this, I resonate with you on a deep profound level

I am 68 years old…I suffer from anxiety and depression. It took me a long time to figure out it was my mother. Looking back I think most of family her family where bipolar. She would be normal then angry in a matter of a seconds. Never held me, told me she even liked me, yelled at me for what I thought was nothing, would call me names, never helped me with my homework. On the other hand she would do all this for my brother. This is why I have anxiety and depression. I have learned over the years to have a routine surround myself with people who actually like me and love me. It was an uphill battle but it is possible. I never took any of this out on my brother. It was not his fault. To anyone that is suffering good luck on your journey just remember all things are possible.

Wow, this...was actually eye opening. I thought most of my intense anger was rooted in my emotional dysregulation from undiagnosed ADHD - but this really nails it on the head. I always feel terrible, and cry, and apologize afterwards because...I hate it. I hate who I am when I hit that rage point. I was emotionally and physically abused AND I was starved as part of the punishment (and was almost never taken to a doctor...even when my grandmother, a school teacher, told them I had ADHD) - so even at 35, I'm still not okay about it all. Thank you, Doctor Marks, for helping me learn more about my own brain, and what's going on - and hopefully I can get into counseling soon, and bring these sorts of things up with a therapist. (Sadly, I'm finding that every depression medication I try makes me have nasty side-effects, so any other way I can find to help myself, I'll take it!) Having a pet really helped me - because there is no worse guilt than making an innocent feel fear at your own hands, and I NEVER want to do that. It's taught me to slow down and process things a lot more before I react out of that impulsive anger - because animals, like children, don't know any better. They're not doing things to spite you, they're the purest form of innocence, and when they're being a bother...they often just want some love and attention, and I can't fault them for that, as a once abused and neglected child.