The Insidious Nature of Covert Narcissism

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Give me an overt any day. Moving back with the covert has destroyed me. Update: I found a small apartment, and am moving. The sense of peace at my new place is amazing. My body is finally unwinding and relaxing after years of chronic abuse. I never thought this day would come. I pray everyone can find a way out. 🙏🏻

"Covert narcissist can throw a stone, say it wasnt me that hurt you, it was the stone. Deny the victim is in pain, then weep openly because the victim was rude to their favorite stone." Great explanation.

"They attack from the position of victimhood" Whew! 🤦

They will give you the silent treatment one minute, pretend to be your friend the next minute, start a smear campaign with triangulation the next minute, then plot to rob and hurt you in the end. They are wicked people and they’re very common in neighborhood communities.

Nothing is ever enough. Nothing. You can (and should) always give more, do more, love more, care more, work more, earn more, cook and clean more, do the honey-do list more, praise more, engage more. Everything that isn't them is competition, whether it's a half hour game show or the dog.

My covert pretends not to hear me and in 23 years of marriage, there has never been one problem resolved. He has never kept his word about what we would do together. There is no 'we' in this marriage.

Having a covert narc as a parent is terrible. They are such victims, and groom their kids from day 1, I don’t think they even know that what they are doing is wrong. Nobody outside the home sees it, so there is nobody to call them on it.

Took over a decade for me to realize what was going on... my children and i are free now from him. Thank you sir.

I just finalized a divorce from a female covert narcissist who I was with for 12 yrs. Everything you described in this video I endured without having any sense of how abusively I was being treated. I wish I could go back in time and warn myself that this relationship would cost me mentally and physically to the point of almost destroying me- and to run as fast as I could to a different future. Now having gone though and survived this storm, I am sharper to this than I ever imagined and stronger in my boundaries than I ever thought I could be- it’s like having a pair of X-ray glasses on where you can see people for who they really are.. a delightful dance or dangerously detrimental. Thank you for this video- you have helped me regain my footing to move forward to a better future. I am indebted.

After nearly 20 years, I realized my best friend was the Covert Narcissist. And what’s the most upsetting to me is how often she used me as a “tool” to abuse her husband. I simply thought I was being the supportive best friend and often spoke on her behalf with her husband to help him “do better”. I’m honestly sick at heart knowing how easily she manipulated everyone in her life including myself. I went no contact over 7 months ago and the sense of relief I immediately felt was astounding!

When you said how they aren't about resolution that really hit home with me. When I was growing up I experienced this with my parents. When you're a kid living under these conditions it sometimes takes a lifetime to figure this out. I now know there will never be resolution with a narcissist. Thank you! I see you love Star Trek, so do I!

My narcissist asks questions like ‘so we aren’t doing that ?’ Always a negative question that puts responsibility on me.

I told my ex wife I was too depressed to assist her with Xmas Dinner. I'm not a chauvinist. I just couldn't bring myself to care about potatoes. We had visited my mum that afternoon and I was feeling so low and empty after. She was in long term hospital care and I was her designated visitor. I watched her slowly die for almost four years. She was so intelligent, so selfless and so loving. After a major op, she suffered brain damage, seizures/strokes, lost all mobility, was bed ridden and had a chronic/incurable infection which ultimately killed her. It broke my heart. This Christmas visit somehow just really hit home for me. Life as I knew it etc etc...Later that day I referred to the upset again and she sarcastically snapped at me "Oh yeahhh cos you're SOOOO depressed about your mum." while rolling her eyes. I stormed out. Cue six hours of me ignoring her crying sounds from the next room. Why? Because, as I told her, I couldn't face yet another moment where she will say she's done no wrong and where I am the one who ends up apologising. I knew I was right. I knew she was manipulating me. I knew what she had said earlier that day. I saw her eyes roll. I knew if I went in there she wouldn't apologise and I somehow would. I knew all this and still... Its exactly what happened. She was so hurt. I had misinterpreted her words. She didn't mean that. How could I possibly think she would be so cruel to me or to anyone. I was the cruel one for putting her down and making out she would be capable of such cruel words. So once again it was I, in the wrong, and apologising to her. It's both remarkable and frightening to look back and see how blind, lost and desperate these people can make you and the deeper in you are the worse it gets.

Covert narcissists can wet the blanket and get traumatised and offended by the wet blanket.

I appreciate you deep diving into the covert narcissist. until then I had a lot of doubts if I was actually with one or was just abusive myself and delusional. You are restoring my sanity. Thank you for all that you do!

I am a child of two narcissistic parents. My dad was an overt one, and my mom the covert one. But the scary part is that I recognize some of my own behaviors. I am shy and introverted, I need assurance in a relationship, I easily feel left out, I can blame the other person for my sense of feeling lost, I have my past of trauma and abuse... Luckily, there are some traits I don't have. But it seems to me there could be a fine line between being a victim and behaving like the abuser - especially when you've never encountered good examples.

Excellent video , you describe the ex narc husband I am trying to divorce ( 35 years married ). Folks , it is never too late ! I am realist , he will keep delaying the divorce to control and keep me but I am beyond that now , detached , determined and ready . The freedom is so worth it , I have recovered my soul !

It's one punishment after another for a perceived insult. It seems to be their goal to disrespect, inflict pain and blame shift onto the victim. They are covert because they have an agenda most people would shame them for.

You hit everything I experienced. I am an old woman. And I just realized it is not me who is " vindictive" or " do not think right". Going on 51 years of marriage. Feeling it was " your fault". Of course I did incorrect things at times in a 51 year time span. But nothing at all that comes to " being vindictive" ( which I know I NEVER was/ am a vindictive person). Your saying that when they say they will start doing something different. It is short lived. That really hit home for what I experienced. And yes. I am told over and over " you do not think straight" while my husband points his finger at his own head while saying that to me. Meaning he is calling me nuts for noticing he does what he wants even if that means it causes me to have less of living as most people do. He speaks to people ( his brother, maybe some friends. As he has a circle of friends and an outlet) while he makes very sure to keep me isolated. To the point he MAKES sure go go to stores EVERYDAY ( as though he is doing a difficult job) which keeps me from ever going out of the house. That is going on 10 years now. Since he retired and is at home 24/7 ( minus his going to grocery stores everyday) which keeps me in this house. He is like living with a junior high school punk who played sick to stay home from school and decided to make the most of it by laying around and expects to be serviced ( when he CHOOSES to be!) and wants to be left alone to do ONLY what he enjoys doing. Thank you for this video. I know I am NOT an abuser or a nut case. Or a burden. It's the other way around. It is taking courage to leave this comment. As it does make me seem stupid. Not being stupid is the ONE thing I AM sure about myself. I am FAR from stupid. I had better stop writing now. Or I will cause myself to look stupid by saying even more