The Science of Love | John Gottman | TEDxVeniceBeach
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Published 2018-10-02
John Gottman speaks about how his scientific research has now created a new understanding of all love relationships (heterosexual and same-sex), across the entire life span. He describes the new LOVE EQUATIONS, and the magic trio of calm, trust, and commitment. For more, visit The Gottman Institute at www.gottman.com/. World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, Dr. John Gottman has conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. He is the author of over 200 published academic articles and author or co-author of more than 40 books, including The New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Dr. Gottman’s media appearances include Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, as well articles in The New York Times, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, People, Self, and Psychology Today. Co-founder of The Gottman Institute with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John is a Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington where he founded ”The Love Lab" at which much of his research on couples interactions was conducted. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
All Comments (21)
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What a lovely thing to do. He dedicated his life to learning about love
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My love language is when people’s words align with their actions.
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To summarize it shortly: Magic of love needs three things: Calm, Trust and Commitment. Calm refers to physiological calm, being able to listen&empathize rather than become defensive&attacking. Trust means both of you want to maximize benefits for both parties, rather than just yours, and this can be done by trying to see/understand in your partner’s perspective and catch their needs/wants Commitment means you cherish your partner, being grateful for what you have rather than what you don’t have. Mindset like this: “I’m lucky to have this person.”
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Starting at 12:14 -> "Mutual trust comes from when both partners are maximizing the benefits of both people, not just one's person benefit against the other person. So, I'm always thinking about how my wife sees things. I can walk into a kitchen now, after thirty years of marriage, and view that kitchen the way my wife would see it. So I can say [to myself she] would be upset by that, so I clean it up." This reminded me that my father told me decades ago that he washed the dishes he used before going to work when my mother wasn't around because he knew that it would upset her if he left them in the sink for her to clean. My parents went through a lot together. They made it seem like it was the only thing to do. My father also told me once that he was lucky to have her in his life, as he must have told her often enough. It was then hard for me to fathom the depth of his love for her. It is much easier for me now.
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my grandparentrs adored each other and showed it in front of me all the time...they were my role model for love....that same quote from Sleepless In Seattle..that was them and that is my husband of 40yrs and I
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Amazing talk. My husband and I did EFT therapy created by Sue Johnson based on Gottman's work. That was 7 years ago. We have had powerful and lasting results, and will celebrate our 24 year anniversary in a couple of weeks. His math is good. I think we literally wake up every morning more grateful for our relationship than the day before.
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9:00 physiological calm 10:42 calm vs defense 11:25 measuring mutual trust 12:20 trust defined 13:10 magic also comes from building commitment; this is my journey = loyalty 14:30 mathematics of love. Measure dynamics analysis of relationship. Physiological, perception, and behavior 17:40 Theory of function outlined. Effect of positive and negative emotions = influence + repair early 19:10 Turning toward or away from partner. Two bunnies on beach vs storm in quadrants 26:00 intervention change the start up to get the 5:1 ratio
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I've been a long-term supporter of his work. What's most important really is being aligned to each other and allowing the space to grow into individuals that are the best versions of themselves.
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I wish my parents were like this man. He can do an analysis and calm discussion how to solve the problem. My parents don't bother with civility and just attacked each other like it was a battle between two titans.
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Communication and the way you expel emotions and issues to your partner, is so vital to how they could perceive what your trying to come across.
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Rather than a "magic" I love the very scientific approach to a relationship using a more problem-solving, rational approach as that really is what it is all about: solving problems.
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No matter how many times I listen to Mr Gottman, I always feel his talk far interesting.
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That's what I call a survey. Spending 15 years on an equation! That's amazing!!
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Good therapy improves a person's emotional stability and emotional intelligence. Wish my parents had had access to his work.
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This is literally (love) life saving advice, thanks Mr Gottman!
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“Let us have love and more love; a love that melts all opposition, a love that conquers all foes, a love that sweeps away all barriers, a love that aboundeth in charity, a large-heartedness, tolerance, forgiveness and noble striving, a love that triumphs over all obstacles.” — Abdu'l-Bahá
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It's so nice to put a face to his name! I've followed this man's work for years. Brilliant, charming, poignant pedagogy for daily application.
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Starting at 18:00 -> The influence function told me a lot about where I went wrong in one relationship. Starting at 19:30 -> The influence function in phase space looks like a splendid way to find where the attractors are and how to aim for the first quadrant and stay clear of the third quadrant. I would venture that trust brings commitment, which in turn brings calm, but this is only a conjecture.
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Awesome research! Life long learning...Thank you!
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One thing he doesn’t talk about as far as the calm aspect, is that when one is dealing with a verbally abusive, negative, and untrustworthy spouse, it is difficult to ever be calm because you are always on guard. I’ve known several people who have a spouse that have the four negative Gottman horsemen, and all of them have difficulty being able to ever relax. The negative affects of living with someone like this over long periods of time takes such a toll on one’s nervous system that a once very “calm” person can not relax. I have a friend who works with battered women. She was also abused and had to escape her husband to a shelter. She has MS and says all the women she now works with in this shelter seem to have the same symptoms. I believe their nerves get worn out and would love to see more talk and research done on this.
