some complex thoughts about gender and language

"I am once again here to discuss being a transexual" me constantly

You wouldn't think "don't assume the terminology people are comfortable with" would be a hot take, but I guess not.

"Socialized as an autistic weirdo" saaammeee

The thing about socialisation is even when other intersections are similar it doesnt necessarily interact with a trans person the same way it does a cis person. I had a friend growing up, we're both afab, nuerodivergent, gender non conforming, and came from roughly the same ethnic, religious and economic background. The major difference is that he's trans and I'm cis. Both of us raged hard against the expectations placed on us due to our sex. As teens i think we both assumed it was the same frustration but when he came out we talked about it at length and it was very apparent that his internal emotional response was actually different yo mine. For me its a rage at being put in a limiting box because of my gender. For him, it was more, rage at being limited to the "girl" gender box in the first place. To be hyper clear, hes not okay with the girl box being limiting either, its just that that was his immediate emotional reaction in the moments. So even with us getting the "same" socialisation, our experience of that was wildly different.

the whole “men v non-men” RLY breaks down when you get into bigender/multigender spaces. the most common way i see the terminology used is when defining what lesbian (and to a lesser extent gay) means, like people defining lesbianism as “non-men attracted to non-men”. the issue arrises when someone is both a man AND a woman. calling a bigender lesbian a non-man would be simply inaccurate

to be honest, as a binary trans man, I HATE it when people refer to me as "afab", especially when it's used to group me in with cis women. like, my assigned sex at birth is a thing I'm trying to move past from and forget, and I have much less in common with cis women than I do with cis men. it's like, I was assigned a baby at birth, but I'm not a baby anymore, and it's just overly generalizing. not everyone afab has ovaries, or a uterus, or breasts, or any of the organs that are typically associated with that label. it just seems like a more socially acceptable version of the "what's in your pants" question, or trying to assign me back into "basically a woman". you can live one day without having to assign me back into a false dichotomy for your convenience, thank you.

i’ve deliberately made it ambiguous what i was assigned at birth the way i present online because that’s the only way i’m happy/comfortable with people perceiving me. ideally, no one would know, people perceiving me as my agab and not an inherently genderless person gives me dysphoria :c i wish this was the case with people irl too, but gender binary is too engrained in our society. at least online i can be 100% me, an autistic genderless cosmic feline robot thing lol

Another kind of neo-gender binary I see sometimes is tma (transmisogyny affected) and tme (transmisogyny exempt) which I'm gonna be honest as a transfem person who has experienced transmisogyny, I don't love. It feels like it locates transmisogyny in the bodies of its victims rather than the social structures around us, and by treating it as a simple yes/no it doesn't take into account the actual complexity of transmisogyny as a social phenomenon. It's not uncommon for people who are theoretically "tme" to be attacked by those who PERCEIVE them as transfeminine, as intersex people, or as gender non-conforming men. Transmisogyny is inseparable from socially conventions around appearance and behavior that get applied to everyone, yet it seems like half the transfem internet wants to frame it as special club facing special persecution.

i would love a whole video on the socialization conversation! as a trans man, conversations about “female socialization” are often prescribed to me, but in reality so many of these “”universal experiences”” are entirely unrelatable because i socially transitioned at 13 years old. i was a girl, but i’ve never been a woman.

As a pangender person, I don't like being lumped in as transmasc just because I was AFAB. Sure, it describes the masculine side of my identity, but it doesn't tell the whole story. I think calling myself trans-neutral would be worse than only transmasc, however. In that case, I would be denying all of my identity, not only the feminine side of it. And identifying as cis-female would be even more wrong. The entire reason I identify as female at all is because of my transition. I didn't go on testosterone to be more masculine. I went on testosterone to be more feminine. Now that I've been able to look more masculine, I've been able to get back in touch with my femininity without feeling dysphoria about being perceived only as a woman. I really think being AMAB isn't the defining feature of being transfem. Trans-femininity is not defined by what you were before, but what you have become. It's the experience of transitioning allowing you to embrace a more feminine identity. In that way, I consider myself both transmasc and transfem. But when I tell people that without a long-winded explanation like this comment, their gut reaction is to say I can't identify that way. If people had the time and willingness to listen to my experience rather than dismissing it, I would have a much easier time expressing my gender identity.

As a nonbinary lesbian i really thank you for this jdmnxbxhxk all of this stresses me out too, especially with the man/non man binary and the constant categories. I also deeply resonated with your experiences talking about your socialization history too. As a genderfucky autistic person, my socialization history is also all over the place but most importantly, my gender nonconformity and autism was constantly at the forefront of my experiences. I've experienced a mix of different forms of gendered oppression and like the majority of trans women who also have a problem with this too, i as a nonbinary person desperately wish socialization discussions were more inclusive of gender nonconforming experiences. Not only that, but nobody seems to EVER talk about trans kids who already came out as trans and either started transitioning through childhood or at least tried to. I have no idea how nobody ever thinks about that, especially now of all times when trans kids are losing and have already lost their rights to their own childhoods. What are those trans kids going to say about socialization discourse years from now in their adulthood? Would that ever become the forefront in these conversations in our community?

yes to the entire explanation of socialization!! personally i like to refer to myself as “socialized female”, not only because i was put through girlhood, but because i took a “girl” role in my family, and my experience of girlhood is inextricably linked to my experience in my family. socialization is so particular to each individual person and divided it into “female” and “male” does such a disservice to everyone also every time i see “non-men” used i find it so funny because where are they drawing the line?? i feel like whenever people try to divide something as complex as gender into two distinct categories (male and female, transmasc and transfem, men and non-men, on and on) it never works don’t even get me started on bottom and top lmao vanilla queers need an evie lupine crash course

As a trans man I personally really dislike the term "transmasc". I've had it used at me in ways that seemed like the person wanted to conveniently ignore the "man" part of my identity. Kind of like how some cis people are suddenly a pro at using they/them pronouns when they have just met a trans person who exclusively uses he or she. Also similar to what another commenter said, I transitioned to be seen as a man, not necessarily to be "masculine". I do think it may have some use as an umbrella term for addressing, say, people who transitioned by way of testosterone, which is a group that could include both trans men and also some nonbinary people. Overall though I just think it's frustrating that we keep inventing new words that seem to just reinforce a gender binary.

I was once working on a school project related to feminism and I remember making a joke about me being the only guy there, and one of my friends who knows I’m trans told me “it affected me because I’m AFAB” but I don’t think it does really. She wasn’t referring to abortion rights or anything, but about being “socialized as a girl” and still dealing with misogyny or something?, which I totally DO NOT relate to. I literally am a stealth binary trans man that passes and transitioned starting middle school, I literally exist and am viewed as a cis man by the people around me. I explained this to her and I think she understood me, but idk I totally hate this separation of people based on their AGAB, totally missing that everyone has different experiences when it comes how they were socialized and currently live in society. I understand there may be trans men that do deal with the issues mentioned by my friend, but I just hate that she assumed I go through those issues because of what I was assigned at birth.

the socialization discussion really hit hard. I would say I was socialized as a brown hispanic girl, and though I've never been a woman that experience is intrinsic to my identity as a nonbinary trans man. That socialization protected me from some of the aspects of toxic masculinity and macho attitudes that are viciously enforced towards men in latine communities, while also contributing to my lack of assertiveness and difficulty speaking up- I learned early on that silence is a better response to conflict especially in situations where I lack power. does anyone else get the ick about the word 'transgender'? I definitely don't have a problem with people using it and it technically does apply to me, but I would NEVER describe myself as transgender unless I was talking to a cis person. I consider myself 'trans'- just trans. it does make me happy to see other people also identify themselves as nonbinary trans men and know that I'm not alone. I sort of view myself as Schrodinger's man- I both am and am not simultaneously. I use the term 'boygirl' to describe myself, but never 'girlboy'. Thank you for your insightful discussions as always- you've got to be my favorite trans youtuber.

I personally don't like using labels because I personally find them restrictive no matter how detailed they get.

so glad to hear you mention the top and bottom thing. This is something thats bothered me for years and yet i dont often see it being brought up into conversation. Its just another way to categorize people (who they dont even know! gross!) by what they look like/the traits they have. Ngl this perception (especially in regards to fanfiction or fandom related content) really affected the way i viewed my gender and also how people labeled me. yuck

ashton always has the most transpilled drip ever

god dude i'm really glad you're talking about language so much. i really feel what you're saying like,, man. i'll use "ftm" in tags or whatever when it's somewhat relevant and i'm sure it'll be similar in medical paperwork but i'm def glad they're not used as much; i think "transmasc" is a term i've been somewhat comfortable with (like i view myself as somewhat "masc" but not necessarily a "man") but to see that binary like attributed to nonbinary people as a whole....god. no. and your point on top/bottom/dom/sub like oh my god. i've been slowly like entering kink spaces after a very long time just watching from afar and the way the terms are misused outside of the community is just.. unfortunate to say the least. needless to say i've been doing a lot of unlearning but like.... yeah

I don't like the terms trans fem and trans masc personally cause the reason I transition is not directly to do with being more feminine but more to do with being seen as a woman not necessary a feminine woman I'd much rather be a masc woman then a man. Honestly I love it the most when I am being seen as a masc woman.