The three secrets of resilient people | Lucy Hone | TEDxChristchurch

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Published 2019-09-25

Dr Lucy Hone is a resilience expert who thought she found her calling supporting people to recover following the Christchurch earthquake. She had no idea that her personal journey was about to take her to a far darker place. In this powerful and courageous talk, she shares the three strategies that got her through an unimaginable tragedy⁠—and offers a profound insight on human suffering. Dr Lucy Hone is a director of the New Zealand Institute of Wellbeing & Resilience, a research associate at AUT University, a published academic researcher, best-selling author and contributor to Psychology Today, the Sunday Star Times and Next magazine.

She trained at the University of Pennsylvania and got her PhD in public health at AUT University in Auckland. She has helped a range of organisations—from primary schools to leading law firms—to design and implement wellbeing initiatives creating sustained and meaningful change.

Five years ago, the sudden death of Lucy’s 12-year-old daughter Abi forced Lucy to turn her academic training and professional practice to foster resilience in very personal circumstances. The blog she wrote in the aftermath of Abi’s death attracted international attention and resulted in the best-selling non-fiction title, What Abi Taught Us, Strategies for Resilient Grieving (Allen & Unwin, 2016), now available as Resilient Grieving in the US, UK and NZ. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

All Comments (21)

@kel.lyyyyle 3 years ago

I wonder how many times she had practiced this speech so that she wouldn’t burst out crying when she talked about her daughter’s death. My respect.
@AngelBien 4 years ago

"don't lose what you have to what you have lost" wow.
@xyzv8640 4 years ago

Resilience - especially three strategies: a) 7:10 - acceptance/acknowlegdement of situation as part of life b) 8:18 - selectional attention (focus on things you can change/ on positive things, e.g. name three things you are/were grateful for) c) 12:20 - "is what you are doing helping or harming you?" (control over situation/ be kind to yourself/ according to speakers experience - most powerful/useful tool) Thank you for sharing. Stay strong!
@Dariodee1 2 years ago

“Don’t lose what you have for what you have lost!” - what a wonderful, powerful and life changing thought! Thank you Lucy!
@greenspark101 4 years ago

I just want to hug her. To not only go through it, but to help others too. She's amazing
@jayapriyah 14 days ago

I lost my daughter in 2023 October. She delivered a healthy girl baby who was 6 days old when this happened. I'm still grieving. 😢
@lifepsycleofficial24 2 years ago

Wonderfully presented by Lucy Hone 1. Know that there's suffering in life 2. Choose those aspects which are in our control 3. Is what we are doing helping or harming us? Amazing strategies, it helps immensely!
@KS-es5sn 3 years ago

I buried my son in 2014. He was almost 21 and died in the military. I didn’t realize it, but I basically did these things that she is talking about. I also have faith in Jesus.
@Starlightv74 4 years ago

Your daughter would be proud beyond measure of the way you have used her passing to help others - and yourself. xx
@_mutantq 10 months ago

My father has been fighting stage 4 lung cancer since I was in middle school. It's been 7 years by now. He had never smoked his entire life, and he barely ever drunk. The tumor has metastasized to the brain and he had an epilepsy due to cerebral edema, which I had to witness myself. I feel so lucky that he is still alive with me, thanks to the clinical trials in targeted therapy. I had three more major hardships in life, and I am going through an anxiety disorder because of all this. I am very proud for myself for not giving up, and I never will. Let's get through this together.
@ChristopherBriscoe 2 months ago

I’ve just returned from months in Ukraine. Every family I met has lost at least one family member or a close friend to the war. Your 3 strategies seem to have taken root there. Ukrainians are the most resilient people I know. Thank you for your powerful work.
@makalefitzgerald4814 4 years ago

Can't tell you how many times I have viewed this Ted talk over the last two months. It's saving my life really. Thank you
@katero789 28 days ago

Engraining this in my mind: 1) Sh*t happens. Suffering is part of life. 2) Don't waste my energy on things I cannot change. Pay attention to things that are in my control and learn to accept what is not. 3) Is what I am doing/thinking helping me or harming me? Be kind to myself. "Don't lose what you have to what you have lost."
@onelove919 4 years ago

Far out. The pain in her face. I just want to hug her.
@timferguson2682 4 years ago

"It is possible to live and grieve at the same time." Good to know.
@ducktaledudette 1 month ago

I have an illness that leaves me sobbing on the floor in pain every few months. I can at least testify to the second resilience secret: looking for at least one positive thing. I've looked at my pain as chance to increase my pain tolerance, and I've expressed gratitude to the people who helped me through it. That helps more than anything!!
@kevinpark55 3 years ago

I have huge respect for this lady. I can't imagine what it would be like to have to bury your own child, let alone talk about such a painful experience of losing one's kid in such a public setting in order to help complete strangers.
@JimOsborne5 4 years ago

How helpful this would have been 15 years ago when I lost my wife of 38 years.
@Joonasaurus1 4 years ago

When you hear other people’s stories, makes you appreciate your problems are maybe not that bad
@genevievebrigham7387 3 years ago

I am so grateful for your talk today. Back in 1983 my wonderful son Scott was killed in a car accident. As a single mother and he my only child, I did not want to go on. I can still recall the excruciating pain. What helped me the most over the years was to see that Scott was such a gift to me. So, I tried to focus on how fortunate I was to have had him inbefore