Unstable Self-Image and Borderline Personality Disorder

Oh my gosh being such a nice person with very good values but on the inside feeling empty and alone!! And angry at myself and others!

I feel SOOOOO frustrated and angry when ppl say "everyone has a talent and hobbies and stuff that they like, what do you like?" I honestly don't!.... and I don't fucking know what I want, I don't really want anything or like anything. I mostly value, privacy and a quiet stress free environment I feel stress at the slightest thing and I get anxious and then can't cope and get angry and crying because I can't cope with the stress I feel

It’s weird how I’ve always felt different from other people , yet I thought feelings like this (identity disturbance) were normal and that most people felt like this constantly .

Not even 2 minutes in and I've had to restart it 4 times because I keep dissociating and now I'm crying because he's almost quite literally describing my life.

Yes, I feel and act like an 18 year old. It's so strange and surreal seeing old school friends and family ageing because mentally I don't think I'm ageing at all...although obviously I am. It's a sad disorder that few understand.

I think this might be the most painful part for me and the most difficult for others to understand. Even at 45, I still process as a teen might. It’s embarrassing for me but irritating for others and that hurts. Thank you for bringing the compassion and understanding you always do to your videos.

For me identity disturbance doesn't come off as a lack of knowledge about oneself which kinda complicates matters even more for me because on the surface there is not a lot of disconnection and it really isn't there but the moment i listen to somebody online or an in person conversation with another person on a topic, i subconsciously shift to their perspective or vision. Its like i start questioning my values to the point of an existential crisis. Its a sense of deep withdrawal from everybody after that and despair that slowly creeps in. Its just a nasty feeling of going nowhere, trying to hold on but knowing that the waves are drawing you in.

It's so validating to have a professional take the time to share worksheets & go through it with us. The positive & understanding language you use is extremely motivating, thank you. 🙏

Everyday, I feel as if I fluctuate between 2-5 different personality states. I move between a flighty child, a wise house wife, an uncaring masculine man and a flirty girly girl. I will react to situations differently depending on which state I'm in. On occasion I will try to "induce" certain states depending on how I want to be perceived, but forcing it always comes out jilted and unnatural. I have been diagnosed with BPD and I wonder if this is common with the disorder

Wow. That was painfully spot on. In 6th to 8th grade I went from unidentifiable to goth to hanging out with gangsters. I look back at that and it gets me emotional. But as the years went on, I dropped all that and just became the victim of an abusive addicted boyfriend....sad. 37 and STILL have no clue who the hell I am or what I'm doing

I went to therapy for 6 years and never got close to understanding myself or my BPD. Your videos are amazing and very well articulated for anyone to understand.

This is where I come when having a mental breakdown, reminds me that I'm not alone

Your breakdown of unstable self image is so spot on. As a kid I never understood y my interests, friends, likes/dislikes, etc changed so drastically so much. I just know I never felt completely 100% in one group or category or group of friends. I never felt like this is 100% who I am, I always felt like a part of my identity was missing if I tried to stabilize it. So eventually I adopted this idea that I was everything. I couldn’t figure out where exactly I fell on the spectrum while everyone else was sure of where they were and never wavered. Which actually was and in many ways still very weird to me. Like how are u ONE way, ONE person ALL the time? How are you ONLY interested in THAT? So I just figured I was too complex to fit in any one group or category (which actually due to the bpd is very spot on lol). So I lived most of my adult life just figuring I was multidimensional and adopted that as my identity, not realizing it was a symptom of the bpd. Thing is, now that I know it’s due to the bpd, where does that leave my identity? Because I have very genuine but opposing and differing beliefs, personalities, interests, types of friends, etc at any given time. I kinda just gave into the unstable self image and let whoever I felt like being at the time be. Is the fact that I found some sort of comfort and stability in my unstable identity an issue? Do I have to undo that now? Or is it healthy and ok to have found an identity through my lack of having one?

I just told my friend who I'm getting close to that I have BPD. His reaction was so incredibly kind and understanding, I feel so happy, I won't live in shame and fear with this. We don't have to hide it and try to deal with it alone, there are people who can and want to help

This is amazing I really need this, identity disturbance is one of the biggest issues of bpd that I’ve been struggling with makes it so hard to keep a career.

The part where we're supposed to draw how we see ourselves today... I can only draw circles in black marker... around and around and around, like a long piece of tangled black string with the center resembling a black hole. And what I see myself in the future: I can only think of drawing a question mark because I don't know. I don't have dreams or aspirations, I'm just taking whatever life gives me, one day at a time. I've became a pacifist. I've given up on life and just staying alive so that my family wouldn't be destroyed.

i am so grateful that you’re doing this. i can’t afford therapy at the moment. your videos have helped me so much and also helped my family members and my boyfriend understand me better. thank you 😊

IDENTITY is the most important topic in BPD for me. I'm 34 and finally "found" my strong, confident identity this year....but...after losing a job I loved, I felt like my identity was "slipping away". I sometimes feel like it is a bar of soap that I can't hold onto. Without all the elements in my environment to mirror and reflect who I need to see myself as, I feel as if my identity is getting devoured by a black void. To counter this, I wrote down my beliefs and thoughts when I was strong as a reference and a guide back. I wrote some amazing stuff. I just can't relate to my own personality right now and it's terrifying.... Us BPDs have to endure something no one else can comprehend. However, It's biochemistry that causes the shift, not reality. Not our fault. I just currently have to stave off that familiar existential fear creeping in that I'm "back to the pathetic insecure person" I have self-loathing toward. All of a sudden, I'm feeling not good enough. All of a sudden, I have crippling fears and self-doubt. I was the complete opposite of this for months and months and all it took was losing a job, and I feel as if I have to fight off some blanket of darkness again. I'm NOT losing this fight though. I finally know who I am. These invasive doubts are lies. This disorder deceives us because our emotional fluctuations feel truthful and real. Emotions lie. I live by logic now. Emotions can change and always will. My doubts are temporary. I only experience something if I tell myself it's true. The above statements are how I ground myself and maintain my identity. Sending love to anyone else who experiences the same distress ❣️

This is maybe my most obvious symptom. I've studied one semester in medicine, one in politics, but I did all journalism classes in high school, currently Im an edgy grunge girl, but I've been preppy, hippy, tomboy etc etc. And I was just trying to be a flight attendant some weeks ago but now I want to study art, psychology or language translation. I have changed my name and lived in three countries. I am going insane. + I lie so much about myself to myself and others that I often end up almost believing in my own lies, or lie on auto-pilot. And I gain nothing from it. Like saying Im from Armenia while Im actually from Turkey. Like why, just why? idk

I sometimes wish I could lock myself away from the rest of the world to avoid people and relationships. I don’t want to hurt anyone else and I don’t want to hurt anymore