THIS Is How A Secure Person Reacts to An Avoidant Pulling Away And You Can Too!

Have you ever experienced stonewalling with an avoidant attachment style? What was your experience like? ❤

A secure person gives them the benefit of the doubt, confronts them, then walks away after multiple attempts at fixing things, with them dismissing you the whole time....

Here’s what happens .. speaking from experience… the secure person accommodates the avoidant person with no progress on their partners end and the next thing you know the secure person is anxious watching anxious attachment videos thinking yeah that’s me. Not it’s not. You were just paired with the wrong person.

As a secure person, its really easy: you let them go and find someone better. It’s that simple.

As a dismissive avoidant I'm extremely grateful to those in my life who actually did pull away when I was behaving badly rather than attempting to enable me. You really don't help at all when you give too much to someone, it's absolutely the opposite. It reminds me of those people who choose alcoholic partners and keep them drinking so at least they'll have someone on the chain.

I believe I am an earned secure from slight anxious attachment. I showed up in these ways. I was kind, patient, supportive, but expressed my standards and asked for conversation. Sometimes that isn’t enough for someone operating from an unhealed avoidant perspective. You just have to walk away with kindness and love.

Key phrase: "If they're WILLING to do the work." It just sounds to me that the SA has to do the lion share of the work with these individuals. I'm done doing all the work in the relationship. The other person must be willing to do their part too.

Having an anxious avoidant partner is like being on a teacup ride. We have a disagreement, she gets triggered and stonewalls. I respect her need for space so I back off and am polite and respectful but don't re-engage. Because I'm not chasing her attention she gets anxious and experiences my distance as rejection. The distance SHE INITIATED! Then because of the rejection she pulls away even more and is even more reactionary and hurtful towards me. She could go through a few of these loops without me even knowing about it. I'm over here being kind but respectful and she'd interpret it as snark and rubbing it in her face. We are better now after years of separation and therapy but wow was that a clusterfuck.

I loveee that you pointed out the covert narcissism vs avoidant difference here. I dealt with this with my last two exes; with the first one, I stuck around long enough to realize his intent and that he was a covert narc, and I ended things but it was brutal. With the second, I originally assumed he was actually more of a sociopath; nope, got to know him and none of it was spiteful, it was all motivated by fear and he was a good guy. The problem is, waiting long enough to figure out their intent will break your heart, even if you try to stay distant.

I think that many people who are secure, don't automatically know the dynamics of this type of attachment. So, perhaps if a Secure understood these dynamics.....you would see this. But, as a secure who didn't know about attachment......eventually the secure person just gets frustrated and rejects the whole relationship after a period of time. Because its all so confusing when its happening in front of you in real time.

I dated an avoidant as a secure attached person, however, with the avoidant, I was anxious. I think my experience has less to do with attachment style and more to do with knowing what you want in a relationship while choosing to settle for less than that. I was looking for the same security in the relationship that is reminiscent to the security that I was exposed to during childhood.

I don’t think avoidant people realize that in self soothing however they need to, it’s extremely self absorbed when they decided to share a life w someone. Get over yourself, take a long hard look in the mirror and understand the real world doesn’t wait for anyone. This is a valid reason to be distant but it’s no excuse. Not as an adult. And if that’s too hard, stop dating.

Full credits to Thais for doing these videos. They’re great for those learning about DAs. At the end of the day, what kind of self-respect, or lack thereof, one has to have to tolerate DA behaviors when SAs exist? They’re not going to fight for you, have productive communications with you to solve problems together, or learn to integrate into each other’s life. It’s a relationship at 80% discount. I don’t know how those who have had healthy relationships with secured partner will take this deal. It’s basically babysitting a full-grown adult.

This made me cry. I want the freedom to process alone inside before I share with someone else. It hurts so bad when people get hurt by me needing my own process before i can share. The possibility of someone actually understanding, as securely attached people do, moves me to tears.

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her

They recognize that these are very broken people incapable of a mature relationship and they walk away.

Turning their backs on you in bed , not even saying goodnight or kissing you , like your begging for them to cuddle you , I’m done now 7 yrs no more

I used to be an FA who would stonewall on purpose out of spite/frustration and not knowing how to express my emotions. Finding PDS and healing my attachment traumas has been the most life changing and liberating thing I ever have done. Thank you Thais ❤

I think I’m over debating for someone that wants to leave to stay. I’m happy with someone walking away.

I can't keep doing this. I give her the space she needs. Next thing I know she's asking to see me again, so we spent time together. It's great, but then she gets overwhelmed and is pushing me away again. Rinse and repeat.