Making Marriage Work | Dr. John Gottman

After 40 years of marriage, we always look at the "marriage" as a third party which we must respect and nurture. I have found that if I treat my wife everyday as if we were on our fist date, things work out beautifully.

Here is Easy Notes Avoid Criticism Example (No): "You talked about yourself all through dinner. You never care about what I have to say. You're so self-centered." Example (Yes): "I felt a bit overlooked at dinner because I didn't get a chance to share about my day. Can we talk about it now?" Avoid Defensiveness Example (No): "Well, if you hadn't been late coming home, I might have asked about your day!" Example (Yes): "You're right, I should have asked about your day. How was it?" No Disrespect or Contempt Example (No): "You think your job is so important; you act like you're better than everyone else." Example (Yes): "I know your job is demanding, but I also have experiences to share. Let’s balance our conversation more." No Stonewalling Example (No): Silence with no response while the partner continues to express concerns. Example (Yes): "I'm feeling overwhelmed by this conversation right now. Can we pause and revisit this in a little while?" Cultivate a Culture of Appreciation Example (No): "You finally did something right with the dinner tonight." Example (Yes): "Thank you for making dinner tonight. It tasted wonderful, and I really appreciate the effort you put into it." Develop an Understanding Map Example (No): "I don't know why you're so stressed all the time. Just relax." Example (Yes): "I remember you mentioned your project deadline is coming up. How is that going? Do you want to discuss how you’re feeling about it?" Foster Fondness and Admiration Example (No): "It's just dinner, anyone can cook it. What’s the big deal?" Example (Yes): "I really admire how you manage to cook such great meals even after a long day. You’re amazing, and I’m grateful for what you do." If you reading this Wish you Many Many blessing

Marriage has caused me to grow up so much. I thank God for my wife everyday.

This guy's a genius. Nowadays, dating advice is all about being "confident" and "high value" and pulling away and not being too accomodating to avoid appearing "needy" and "desperate", and they're all missing the whole point and picture of being in a relationship, which is what Dr. Gottman is doing a great job of explaining.

Most of this is much harder for people who grow up in negative or broken families. They have all the worst habits. If you came from a broken family, take time to work on yourself and become the person that you want to be BEFORE you get into a relationship and get married.

6:20 5:1 Ratio of Positive to Negative 😊😊😊😊😊 7:30 Negativity to bring some reality and renewal 8:50 4 BIG NEGATIVES TO AVOID. 10:58 Defensive Whining. 12:02 Disrespect and Contempt. 13:58 + Create a different habit of mind. 14:18 Stonewalling 16:30 +Friendship + Love Maps + Mutual Interest in your partner 21:30 Bids for Love ❤️ 27:00 “I’m Sorry.” 32:10 33:27 Moving from Gridlock to Dialouge 39:09 Women 40:30 Calm Down 44:00 Relationships, Shared Meaning to build Love Affection and Resp

I'm just here trying to learn to be a better husband. My marriage is overall great. We have our problems like everyone. Finances Is usually a big one. But we work through it as a team on everything. I've only been with my wife for 6 years, but if there is any advice i can give to someone, or a couple, who is having trouble in the marriage, is make sure your spouse is your best friend.. have fun with them. And above all else, tell the truth.

Married 50 years this August 21 -2021 what Mr Gottman is saying is pure GOLD for a marriage. We have been thru everything.♥️🥰

I literally need to watch this at least once a month!!

When I was younger I thought a good relationship needed only love . Now I’m convinced that it needs essential work from both sides too . Congratulations on your research!

I think if there is one starting point all humans could make that would DRAMATICALLY change their relationships, it would be to become ok with feeling hurt. To be able to sit with the feeling and process it first before communicating. Most conflict arises from being hurt but wanting to avoid it by attacking the other person.

I wrote this for myself but if anyone interested: ("The masters" - stay together) ("The disasters" - break up) - The relationship should be: fun, rich in positive things and words, however keep negativity cause you grow and learn from it. but always mostly positive. - The four horsemen of the apocalypse: 1. Criticism: The disasters say in an argument that the partner personality is bad and they make what happend a symptom of the partners personality ("whats wrong with YOU???" ). The masters on the other hand still complain about what is bothering them but they talk about themselves and what they feel and how they would want to be treated and what they need. 2. Defensiveness: The disasters: one way is meeting a complaint with another complaint. The other way is they act like innocent victom, they whine ("I aCtuAlly reaLLy diD caRe aboUt yOur daY 😪☹️😟😥😢😣😖" ) The masters: accept responsibility, even for small things. ("good point", "you right, I actually was stressed out today") 3. Disrespect and Contempt: The disasters: look down on the partner, and you feel: cleaner, smarter... one way of doing that is calling each other names. ("what a jerk! you only talk about yourself! " ) The masters: respect and proud of the people they love, creating a culture of appreciation. Say thank you for very small things they partners are doing ("thanks for making the food" "I enjoyed our conversation " "I watch you playing with the baby last night and it was very beautiful" ). To help with that you could instead of scanning the area for thing to criticize, scan the area for things to praise and appreciate. Also good in child-parent relationships. 4. Stonewalling: emotional escape from conflict. Usually when talking to someone you give signs of listening: facial expressions, noises, head movments. However Stonewalling is when you stand with your arms cross and dont do vocal things and sometimes not looking at your partner. And this is a sign of disaster. In good relationships: -Friendship: intimacy, work on 3 things: 1. love maps - knowing and being interested in your partner (and feeling that the same goes for you), knowing what they like, their values, the people in their life.... you doing that buy asking open ended questions ("how are you feeling about being a nother right now", "how do you like this house? wanna change it? " ). To improve a relationship try changing some statements for questions. 2. Fondness and admiration: again its the culture of appreciation, saying thank you, and I respect you and so on.(It cannot stay in the brain it needs to come out the mouth) 3. Bids, Turning towards: when your partner makes a bid turn towards them and be interested in what they told you. - Repair the coflict: When a conflict ends up bad and unsolved, take a break and come back to it later when you're clam and re-negotiate the conflict. - 69% of coflicts in marriage do not get solved, you just talk about then and learn to live with them and talk about them some more(In a good relationship, that is) - Grid lock problems: Try to find whats hidden underneath the surface, it usually comes from a personal belief in things and values, wich are very very essential to them and to their sense of self and it cannot be compromised (its their personality bones). When you find the dream that hidden, then honore each other dreams. - Gentleness: The 31% of problems that are solvable, the masters "soften the startup", they gently and with respect and appreciation talked about the problem (talking about themselves and what they need). - Accepting influence: saying: "good point ","let me consider this", "tell me more about your opinion" and generally try to honore your wife. (especially needed for men) - Compromis: compromise. - Take a break from a conflict and calm down when feeling physically blood rush. When you have calmed down continue the discussion. - Shared meaning: feel like you building something, and feel like when you are together you have a purpose.

I have listened to a lot of relationship advices held by experts, but this is the most fundamental lecture for building up a healthy marriage and partnership.. It applies any where regardless of you ethnicity or believes, it's like a universal code.. Great lecturer..👏👏👏

1. Culture of appreciation, fondness, and admiration. 2. Love maps, and asking open-ended questions. 3. Responding to bids and other attempts to get his/her attention, creating bonds.

Gosh that first example of “bidding” broke my heart. I feel like my husband “turns away” more times than not. I don’t think he realizes he does it. But it would be nice if he put effort into being enthusiastic.

"We are much more forgiving to ourselves than we are towards others." 69% of problems in marriage are never resolved. We call this tensions to be managed... John is a master researcher and has helped our work tremendously over the years.

"They create meaning in the way they move through time together" Beautiful summation

Hahah if my husband said “there’s a pretty boat” and i didn’t respond, he’d probably say, baby come see that pretty boat, would you like to go on something like that soon?” 😅 that would get my attention. But this is a beautiful example. We really need to pay attention to our partners like we’d like them to pay attention to us. Many biblical principles on here. Thank you Dr. Gottman

Didn’t have significant pre-marital counseling, but somehow we did a lot of this stuff and it worked. We didn’t have much money, but we used to dream dreams together, especially about travel (knowing full well that 95% of those dreams would never actually happen). She was herself an entire world I got to explore, still a lot of terra incognito to go when she finally went to Jesus. But, hey, lots of sweet memories, no regrets. Or no big regrets.

This was one the best scientific based marriage seminar I've seen. My wife and I problems started long before we got married. I talking like 10 years before we got married. So all of the issues comes from there. But when you realize that your problems are not unique to just you and your spouse but that other couples are going through the exact same things, it gives you hope. When he said he's studied 3,000 couples, I knew our situation was mixed somewhere in there. This was awesome to watch and I'm excited to implement these tips to improve my marriage.