Simpsons Mysteries - Kearney's Age

This feels like such a throwback Simpsons Mysteries, the kind of video I would make 5 years ago. In how the evidence immediately becomes a contradictory mess and it only gets worse, the more you look into it. Kearney is definitely one of those characters that, for our own peace of mind, it's best not to think about too deeply. (Also, I had some reports that the last couple vids were kinda quiet, so I pumped the volume a couple notches for this one. Hopefully the sound mix is better this time.)

I like the idea that Kearneys is just constantly lying about his age so he doesn’t have to pay for anything

Kearney being 20 makes the "fake ID" joke very funny because he's only one year off.

The Otto getting held back theory holds some good water considering that in Season 2 "BART GETS AN F" He says "I got held back in the fourth grade myself. Twice! Look at me, man. Now I DRIVE the school bus!". Which means him failing 3rd grade for the 20 year old Kearney makes sense.

Kearney always seemed like a surreal character to me, like he represented a bully that was was way bigger and older than Bart to make him more intimidating, and then taken to an absurd degree with him being old enough to drive, have kids, be divorced, etc. As soon as you try to place him in reality and tease out a timeline, the more you feel like a social worker trying to investigate why this elementary school student has a son that sleeps in a drawer. Kearney’s whole deal is that his backstory is absurd and exaggerated, so I don’t think it’s even possible to do like a serious spotlight episode about his life without changing the details to be more realistic, which undoes the whole point of his character to begin with. Truly Kearney does a fine jig around the reality of the Simpsons

Headcanon: Kearney is 16 at most, and his "sons" are actually siblings that his parents have dumped on him, and he claims they're his sons for some kind of tax related reason. It'd help explain away the playground beating of other children, his questionably aged girlfriend and why he can't buy alcohol himself. We'll assume the Bicentennial joke was just him making a joke or picking up on things adults have said, because he's older. Either alternative of him being 20 or closer to 30 are just too horrifying to think about.

I actually like the idea that Kearney's son is a few years younger than Bart but was so smart that he graduated early

Alternate theory. Kearney was born the 1970s New York and frozen for several years after a cyonics mishap while working as a pizza delivery boy.

The whole 'Kearney can't buy alcohol/cigarettes' in my head is because he's trying to hide his real ID because of warrants and things, would explain why he's in jail in the little bandit episode.

Otto asking why Kearney was still in school when they were in 3rd grade together is one of my personal most favorite lines in the show’s history.

I feel like the idea of Kearney being a series of clones. It’s why they all look the same, and each new Kearney created is responsible for the next one as a “Dad” figure. It makes the most sense for me.

I always thought of Kearney as a joke on the public school system's policy of holding kids back for failing classes. And he was just an extreme example and his age range goes for whatever is the most convenient at the time. So he could be a teenager in elementary or a young adult who still hangs around teenagers.

I have a few theories to make the kid situation less upsetting Regarding “parent of a teenager” it’s possible that Kearny was a step-father or acting parent at the time. If he really was dating Jimbo’s mom for example, Jimbo could be his teen child in question Another is that Kearny may be unaware where children come from, and his father may be tricking him into thinking his brothers/step brothers are his children as a way to dodge child support. This would certainly work on the young Kearny who was “worried about becoming a dad” and there is precedent as a girl tried the same trick on Bart. Maybe there is some evidence in that one sideshow bob episode where marge teaches sex ed to support this

Kerney could be using the fake ID and maintaining the illusion of being underage in order not to weird out Dolph and Jimbo. When he says "As a teenager" he could be refering to the persona he continually and subconsiously maintains, and "as the father of a teenager" could be literal.

My theory is that Kearney is 20 with 2 kids, Otto was held back repeatedly so that they were in third grade together, and Kearney Jr. is around 4 years old, but ends up being a wunderkind and graduates several years early, in Bart and Milhouse's class. That covers most bits of info we have (save for the "teenager and parent of a teenager" line), and I like the idea that Kearney himself gets held back in school while Kearney Jr. skips ahead.

I don't know if they still do this in high school but Kearney was kind of a common 1990s high School archetype, the kid who was held back multiple times for behavioral issues which means he'd be a legal adult when graduating but everyone was supposed to pretend he was still a kid, and you never really knew how old he actually was.

The panicked disgust over the possibility of child-parent Kearney is probably the most passionate we've heard Jims get yet

All of the craziness aside, Kearny yelling at Skinner & Chalmers to get away from his car when they’re trying to pry off the H still gets me every time.

The Simpsons takes place in an infinite number of realities, and Kearny’s age is different in every single one

With all this detail on his age, you have overlooked the ice cream sandwiches concealed in his armpits.